so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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