I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
