I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Randomize
