Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
