i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
