I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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