Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
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