once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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