Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
