Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize