Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
