I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
