yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
