I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
