Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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