it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
