the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
