Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
