if i can run in heels then i can drive
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
