what day is it and did you see me today?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
