I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
