Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
