DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
