I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
