Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
