god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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