you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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