sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
