she looked like the before picture.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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