fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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