My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
