Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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