You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
