next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
