if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Randomize
