I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
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