I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
