stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
