Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
you would pick up someone in the library
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
