No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
