so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
