After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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