so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
