Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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