U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
