i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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