I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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