Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
