I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
