Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
